The Cycle

I have the best friends. Look at all my free time to do whatever I want. Life is mine for the taking. I can have anyone I want. I’m smart, I’m pretty, I’m successful. He will miss me, he will wish he never left. It’s his loss anyway…

I’m ok, I swear I’m ok. This isn’t that bad. It’s just a failed marriage, it’s just the end of the relationship. “You’re young”, they say. “Plenty of time to meet the right guy” they say. I believe them…

I’m breathing. I’m going through the motions of day to day life. I am numb. Today’s a low day. This will pass. I have responsibilities to take care of. I’ll distract myself until this feeling subsides. I will just sleep until it’s over…

I don’t want to wake up. Opening my eyes floods reality back into focus. My dreams don’t bring me peace or provide an escape. I get out of bed. I can’t control thoughts. My body involuntarily functions…

I’m screaming, I was asleep. It was just a dream. I’m alone. I want to explain. I need him to know how I feel. Apologies and explanations come from desperation. Will it work? No. Does he miss me, no. He hates me, how quickly he’s moved on…

Is this how it feels to be dead? Stupid girl, couldn’t keep it together. Despair, panic, fear, hopelessness, grips at my chest and takes every last breath of air from my lungs. Each throb of my heart is a twisting dagger. Maybe I’d rather be dead. Will this gaping chest wound heal? I ruined everything. I hit rock bottom…

Clarity. He’s gone and moved on but I’m still breathing. I survived. My heart is healing. This is progress. I deserve better. I am better. I am stronger. I am independent. I don’t need a man to love me. I am my own hero…

I have the best friends. Look at all my free time to do whatever I want. Life is mine for the taking. I can have anyone I want. I’m smart, I’m pretty, I’m successful. He will miss me, he will wish he never left. It’s his loss anyway…

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