Pam Grout’s third experiment in E-Cubed asks us to redefine one of our many stories that we’ve accepted as truth about our lives. I chose to redefine how I perceive my ex boyfriends portrayal of my personality. They don’t get to tell me about myself. I thought this was going to be difficult because I have no contact with any of them. I’m just not good at being friends after my heart has been broken. Now I’m not going to get into the nitty gritty of how I wanted to rewrite this story of myself, but over those three days a few things happened that could be nothing other than my answers.
On the first day of the experiment I had a very vivid dream about my most recent ex boyfriend. It was almost as if the conversation we were having was in person. I understand that dreams are a product of your subconscious, but when I woke up I felt like he had put the thoughts and words he said out into the universe for me to hear. Because of my willingness to look and accept these answers to help me redefine my story, I opened that window to hear his message through my dream. As always when the first things happens to me after I accept a challenge, I question and attempt to rationalize my experience.
On a recent date I was told that I was bold. I never considered myself a bold person. I’m in my late 20s and am afraid of the dark, snakes, and Ronald McDonald. My style in clothing is not to stand out or to fit in. I don’t use hair dye or wear purple lipstick just because I can. I’ve never been a person who feels like I need to make a statement with my outward appearance. Additionally, my actions and interests are not that of someone who I would categorize as a bold individual. On my days away from work at the hospital I spend my time with my dog, my friends and family. I like to read and write. I listen to music. And I dream of what I want to do with my life. I don’t think any of that is out of the ordinary or particularly bold.
I found that as I was telling him about some of the experiences of my life such my medical mission trip to Ghana, white water rafting on my birthday, and even my future plans like my trip to Boston, MA. He kept asking who I traveled with. I started to look at him funny and asked, “Why do I have to go with someone?” He smiled and simply said that it’s not bad to travel solo rather it’s a bold move. I had never thought that living my life the way that I wanted to was neither bold nor brave. I just thought that it was what I needed to do to be happy. I walked into the date being the one intimidated and unsure of how he would perceive me. Carrying those stigmas from my ex boyfriends in the back of my mind, hoping that this guy wouldn’t see them. When I left the date, I felt that he was intimidated and also attracted to my confidence and independence. Now I know he’s not an ex boyfriend, but I couldn’t help but believe that him telling me that I’m bold is a part of the answer that I asked the universe for in Experiment #3.
I am no longer the identity that my ex boyfriends have attached behind my name. They don’t sit like credentials never to be removed. I have let go of the sham of failing, the pain of their rejection, the daggers in my spine with their unkind words have been removed and the wounds have healed. I am not controlling. I am not un-loveable as I am. I am not manipulative. I am not vulnerable and fragile. I am not a monster. And I am not a back up plan. I am not afraid to explore this world alone. I am not afraid to do the things that make me happy. To say the things that I need to say to express my emotions. To love wholeheartedly. My life is dependent on my mindset and I am embracing the boldness that I have been graciously blessed with.
So to my ex boyfriends here is what I say to you. I am Kait Karan. My heart is my greatest asset and my biggest flaw. I love hard and care immensely. I forgive often and trust easily. I am understanding and patient. I spit fire when I’m hurt and I say how I feel. I own who I am. Always willing to admit my weaknesses and never too good for apologies. I am free, independent, and bold. Lastly, I thank you for letting me go so that I could grow.