Forgiveness

Confession

I like to think that I’m a good person. I was raised by a loving and supportive family. I have the most incredible friends a girl could ask for. And my boyfriend, he’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I’m living a pretty spectacular life these days. But when I take time to reflect on how I got to this point, I reflect on the few years of chaos in my life that I don’t like to talk about.

I’ve talked about my divorce, I’ve talked about my failed relationship that I jumped right into afterwards. I never talked about who I hurt along the way. I’ve always been self absorbed in my own trauma. I lived my own life and didn’t recognize or frankly didn’t care at the path of terror I was leaving in my path. We all have that one chapter that we don’t want to read out loud, this is mine.

When my marriage ended, I got into a relationship with a guy who spoke poorly of his relationship with his wife. It was so nice to have a man telling me that he wanted me, that he loved me, and would take care of me. I had a lack of those needs in my marriage and with a broken soul after a debilitating divorce, I would have jumped at any man who promised me the world. I contributed to this man’s divorce. The first time we decided to end the affair was when she found out that he was having a relationship with me. I wrote her a letter. In that letter I spilled my heart. I apologized profusely, and at the time although it hurt, I meant it. But I also lied about a lot of things in the first letter to protect the man that I had unintentionally fallen in love with. It’s wasn’t the genuine letter that I had hoped for. After a few months had passed and I felt more stable, I reached out the this man and wished him well. I told him about the healing process that I had gone through. He responded and the spark with almost immediately rekindled.

This time, his tone had changed. He said his marriage was failing, regardless of not speaking to me. He had issues in his marriage that he believed were beyond repair, but he took his time getting out of the marriage. After I found out that he had plans to celebrate his first wedding anniversary at an all-inclusive resort that he claims he knew nothing about, I was done. Heartbroken that the man who had chosen me when I felt the most unloved, wasn’t going to choose me. This time I was angry. I wrote another letter. Fuelled with spite and fire. I had learned things about his relationship with his wife that made me hate his wife. They made me angry and I didn’t think she deserved the man that had been so kind and loving towards me. I truly believe that SHE was the monster, not him. This letter that I wrote spilled all the honesty that I left out of the first one along with every little detail of the time her husband and I spent together. If I couldn’t have him, I damn well didn’t want her to have him either.

Another couple months had passed before I started making connections that he was thinking about me again. They had separated and he moved out of the house. Whatever hold this man had over my heart was toxic and potent. After on long evening of FaceTime confessions that he had me believe that he was sorry for hurting me. That he didn’t care about her and that he realized the time he took leaving his marriage was unfair to the relationship he wanted with me. He made the four hour drive just to take me on a date and the feelings rushed back. A few weeks later, his wife text me. She wanted to talk, but I only allowed text. I had to go to work and I feared that I would word vomit too much information or even worse, that I would cry. I told her that I was seeing someone and to never contact me again. The person I was seeing was her still current husband and she obliged and I never heard from her again.

I respected the first few months of keeping our relationship discrete. After it continued to be imperative that I was a secret, I got angry. We finally had the opportunity to be together without strings attached. Their marriage was over. He loved me, I loved him. It was finally my time to have him to myself. I never got that opportunity. We constantly argued over the level of publicity our relationship could have. Then we started arguing about everything. Season basketball tickets trumped my time visiting and being introduced to coworkers as just a friend was how we spent our last few days together. My feelings were hurt, I was grabbing at straws trying to maintain my dignity and salvage a relationship that I had waited so long to come to fruition. It took one drunken night out to realize that I was not the girl for him and his sights were set on his coworker. As much as he initially denied it, I couldn’t fight the feeling that there was something there. I pushed the topic and we lashed out at each other. The relationship was toxic and he felt I wasn’t letting him be independently after getting out of a marriage. I removed myself and began really working on the placed within myself that I didn’t like. It was then I began my journey to independent happiness, rather than filling a void. It was also then that he began dating his coworker.

It’s been a year since all of this happened and I put in the effort to take care of my heart. I find comfort and peace in the here and now. I don’t stress over the details even though I am still a relentless planner. I struggle with things that are beyond my control but I have learned better coping skills. The hot headed girl still remains but has cooled off tremendously. I attribute a lot of my growth to the man who ruined my heart and the wife whose marriage I helped end. I believe that all of this happened for a reason, regardless of how guilty I feel.

What I learned from him was that I deserve to be loved in a way much better than what my husband gave me. I also deserved much better than what he could give me. I learned to manage my finances and pulled myself out of a mountain of debt. And most importantly I learned to trust my gut, because my intuition might not always be 100% accurate but it knows when something is not right.

What I learned from her is that friends are important. That relationship drama is not for the world to know, but it better kept between spouses. I also learned that maintaining your health through nutrition and workouts regardless of your life’s situations is crucial in self care.

I learned about the Tone It Up program when I began creeping on his wife. She was apart of this fabulous community. Now, I am NOT a workout selfie kind of girl. I am not a hash tag queen and the only time I take picture of food is when my boyfriend makes a bangin meal, and that’s because I want to brag on his amazingness, not because anyone cares what I eat. I started following along with this nutrition program. I started seeing people’s results and thought that if I could get the recipes that it would work for me. I needed to do something to maintain my health but I never wanted to join this community because it was her territory.

About 6 months after everything ended, I had genuine chest pain. I woke up for work. My boyfriend laying peacefully at my side. I went to the bathroom and almost fell. I was drenched in sweat and nauseous. When I crawled back onto the bed, the palpitations in my chest were strong and irregular. There was pressure at the center of my sternum and it wouldn’t resolve regardless of the relaxation techniques that I had been using. After three days or irregularity and discomfort I went to the doctor. I was diagnosed with a mild heart arrhythmia that is affected when your health is poor. Inadequate nutrition, lack of sleep, not enough cardiovascular conditioning, all could cause my heart to slip into this arrhythmia.

The first step that I took to caring for myself better was to increase my workouts. I had a regular heart rhythm on my three month check up and I was happy, however, blood testing showed that my electrolytes were all low. My Potassium was 3.4 and my Magnesium 1.6. I was slightly dehydrated and was warned that I could slip back into this uncomfortable heart rhythm at any time. I needed to get my nutrition in check and I thought of the Tone It Up program. I’m hesitant to begin this program because of the unhealthy way in which I discovered the program. I feel like I took so much away from this TIU girl, that I don’t need to impose on her workout/ health regimen as well. I tried a few other options first, but with my schedule and my inability to cook like an adult, Tone It Up turned out to be the best option.

SO, this is my way of getting everything off of my check. I had an affair with a TIU girl’s husband and then started the program. My body couldn’t handle my unhealthy habits anymore and neither can my heart or soul. I’m letting go of the guilt. I’m thanking these two for all they have taught me about life and how to be a better person. And I am apologizing with my whole heart for all the pain and heartache that I contributed to ending your relationship. I have worked so hard over the past year to maintain my health, work on my mind set and find peace with what has happened/ what I had caused. This is my final part of letting go and moving forward. This is my confession.

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