Love yourself · Show me a sign

I am Bold

Pam Grout’s third experiment in E-Cubed asks us to redefine one of our many stories that we’ve accepted as truth about our lives. I chose to redefine how I perceive my ex boyfriends portrayal of my personality. They don’t get to tell me about myself. I thought this was going to be difficult because I have no contact with any of them. I’m just not good at being friends after my heart has been broken. Now I’m not going to get into the nitty gritty of how I wanted to rewrite this story of myself, but over those three days a few things happened that could be nothing other than my answers.

On the first day of the experiment I had a very vivid dream about my most recent ex boyfriend. It was almost as if the conversation we were having was in person. I understand that dreams are a product of your subconscious, but when I woke up I felt like he had put the thoughts and words he said out into the universe for me to hear. Because of my willingness to look and accept these answers to help me redefine my story, I opened that window to hear his message through my dream. As always when the first things happens to me after I accept a challenge, I question and attempt to rationalize my experience.

On a recent date I was told that I was bold. I never considered myself a bold person. I’m in my late 20s and am afraid of the dark, snakes, and Ronald McDonald. My style in clothing is not to stand out or to fit in. I don’t use hair dye or wear purple lipstick just because I can. I’ve never been a person who feels like I need to make a statement with my outward appearance. Additionally, my actions and interests are not that of someone who I would categorize as a bold individual. On my days away from work at the hospital I spend my time with my dog, my friends and family. I like to read and write. I listen to music. And I dream of what I want to do with my life. I don’t think any of that is out of the ordinary or particularly bold.

I found that as I was telling him about some of the experiences of my life such my medical mission trip to Ghana, white water rafting on my birthday, and even my future plans like my trip to Boston, MA. He kept asking who I traveled with. I started to look at him funny and asked, “Why do I have to go with someone?” He smiled and simply said that it’s not bad to travel solo rather it’s a bold move. I had never thought that living my life the way that I wanted to was neither bold nor brave. I just thought that it was what I needed to do to be happy. I walked into the date being the one intimidated and unsure of how he would perceive me. Carrying those stigmas from my ex boyfriends in the back of my mind, hoping that this guy wouldn’t see them. When I left the date, I felt that he was intimidated and also attracted to my confidence and independence. Now I know he’s not an ex boyfriend, but I couldn’t help but believe that him telling me that I’m bold is a part of the answer that I asked the universe for in Experiment #3.

I am no longer the identity that my ex boyfriends have attached behind my name. They don’t sit like credentials never to be removed. I have let go of the sham of failing, the pain of their rejection, the daggers in my spine with their unkind words have been removed and the wounds have healed. I am not controlling. I am not un-loveable as I am. I am not manipulative. I am not vulnerable and fragile. I am not a monster. And I am not a back up plan. I am not afraid to explore this world alone. I am not afraid to do the things that make me happy. To say the things that I need to say to express my emotions. To love wholeheartedly. My life is dependent on my mindset and I am embracing the boldness that I have been graciously blessed with.

So to my ex boyfriends here is what I say to you. I am Kait Karan. My heart is my greatest asset and my biggest flaw. I love hard and care immensely. I forgive often and trust easily. I am understanding and patient. I spit fire when I’m hurt and I say how I feel. I own who I am. Always willing to admit my weaknesses and never too good for apologies. I am free, independent, and bold. Lastly, I thank you for letting me go so that I could grow.

Show me a sign

Semi-Charmed Kind of Life

Those that know me the best know that I love flowers. Since I was younger I’ve always had a garden. By garden I mean that my mom let me have a few planters on the side of the house to grow tomatoes and green peppers while I helped her water the flower beds that she landscaped around the house. It’s something that I love to do but that my apartment lifestyle has limited those lavish garden dreams.

There is a quote by an unknown (to me) author that states, “every flower that’s ever bloomed had a whole lot of dirt to go through first”. In my opinion, that’s a profound statement. Flowers bloom to be beautiful, fragrant, and fragile. However, their journey to become beautiful is dark and dirty until they reach the sun and bloom. I want to be a blooming flower.

On my way home from the gym I decided I needed to detour and make a pit stop at the grocery store. I walked into Trader Joe’s with my little list on a mission to get into the store and get out. Every. Single. Time. I walk into that store I end up staring at their arrangement of flowers. Today was only slightly different. I was tired, I needed to get home to take care of my dog, and I was just a little bit down. The flowers instantly brought a smile to my face. The thought that I should buy some came a moment later followed by the hesitation of diverting from my budgeted shopping list.

My attention was diverted to the music that was playing. Spin doctor’s “Two Princes” was playing. Not just the song, but it was on the specific part where he says, “if you’d like to buy me flowers… just go ahead”.  It was like the universe heard my desire and my hesitation and decided to play me a little tune.  I had to laugh because this sign was so blatantly obvious. I had thought originally the song was Third Eye Blind’s  “Semi-Charmed Kind of Life” which I thought was an even more appropriate title, however, it was brought to my attention that I had my songs confused! No matter what the title of the song or who the band, my thoughts sent out that I wanted flowers because they make me happy and the universe responded “if you’d like to buy me flowers.. just go ahead”.  I picked up a bouquet of sunflowers, carnations, and lilies with a sporadic rose or two and some greenery for accents and put them into my cart. They are now on display in my apartment where I’m writing this now to remind me, “every flower that’s ever bloomed had a whole lot of dirt to go through first” and the simple concept of ask and you shall receive.