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First Date

The alarm is for the dog, no longer audible to my own ears, I rely on the cool nose nudges and patter of little paws to joust me out of bed. One o’clock. I haven’t slept long, I blankly stare at the clock and calculate four. Four hours of sleep. The desire to be awake is absent as lethargy refuses to escape my muscles. “Switch day”, I mumble to myself and in a tantrum toss myself backwards disappearing into the sea of bedding. Thoughts of regret flood my mind, too tired hold them at bay. Night shift is killing me. Sleep has become a novelty rather than necessity. Was today his only day off?… Abruptly I rise and replay my thoughts now aware of their meaning. “Today is not only switch day, but his only day off!” I say to my dog as he cocks his head and stares in a manner that indicates he understands. The comfort of my bed no longer pleases me, I am panicked. “Shit!” Clothes dance through the air accumulating in a pile of chaos. After multiple attempts, I dawn the only outfit I deem appropriate for the day and look in the mirror. Brushing sponges with colored powders against my skin will never be enough to hide exhaustion but it will have to suffice. Ten minutes remain until departure. I use them to care for the dog, acquire my daily necessities, and take one more moment to glance in the mirror. Inhale. Exhale. “Wish me luck”, my attempt at lacing my voice with hope has failed. With a sigh my dog flops onto the couch as I secure the lock on the door. 

I back into a space in the garage downtown. The extra time spent parking could provide beneficial in the event of a necessary quick escape. I’m tired, my contacts burn my corneas. I blink rapidly to clear the fog. My stomach churns. “I should have tried to eat,” I think to myself. One city block separates him and I, a distance which seems endless. Inhaling the fresh air I walk. The city buzzes with men in suits and women in pencil skirts all scurrying through the crossways. In my Chacos and cut offs, I stand out. The faces of those around me blur as I search for him. I see him in the distance, or who I believe to be him. His features clear as he continues forward. The palpitations in my chest quicken. He’s within ear shot but I am mute. I question his distance from where I stand as he appears to be miles away. The moment lingers. He’s speaking to me but I can’t hear him, I’m somehow responding but unaware of my words. The only audible sound is the blood pulsing through my veins. He’s close now. Close enough to touch. His blue eyes pierce mine and he smiles. “Are you ready to go?” Without breaking his gaze I smile and repeat, “Ready”. He turns to walk but pauses briefly. I inhale sharply as he takes my hand. And so begins our first date.

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Secrets

Love that’s hidden isn’t love, it’s infatuation and temporary. It’s neither sustainable nor a solid foundation in which to build a relationship. The more important it is for the secret to be kept, the more damage it causes. Lost identity is a mear consequence to protect the secret, to prove your commitment, to please your partner. It is a sacrifice that I am not willing to make. Those who boast and brag of their happiness while hiding their support beam are cowards.  So easily forgotten and replaced validates the depth of intentions. I will not be silenced. I will rise, there will be no secret, and you will mourn the loss of a genuine love discarded by selfish disgrace.

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Write 

Write when you’re anxious, when the thumping in your chest refuses to cease, pour that emotion into text. When the pain swallows you, release it, say what you need to say and come up for air. Gasping for breath but it’s there in its purest form.

Write when you’re happy, remember the accomplishments, achievements, be proud of yourself and document it, no one will do it for you. Don’t write to boast to brag, write to solidify the joy. Putting life into text forms a reality that others can relate to. 

Write to clear your mind. Forget grammar. Write the chaos that consumes your everyday thoughts to clairfy your soul. Write to be a better person, write to form your dreams, write to express the deepest corners of your heart. 

Write your story for you, because no one is you and that is beautiful. 

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Green Car

Over the past 9 months I’ve struggled to get my head screwed on properly. I had made attempts to change my negative thought process that seemed to be consuming my life, but nothing was sustainable. After another life sucker punch, I knew that I had to do something and this time I was determined. Over conversations with family, friends and coworkers on how to have a healthy mind and loving life, I’ve learned a lot, about me as well as their perspectives on the ins and outs of daily life.

After a long conversation one night at work, my coworker told me he had something for me to read. The next night he brought in Pam Grout’s book E Squared.  I had heard of The Secret and Law of Attraction, but this book was different. It gave experiments to try to prove that according to Pam, “you receive what you order”. Well with a lot of hesitation and an open mind I made my way through the experiments.

One of the first experiments was to count how many cars of a certain make, model, or color you see. Fairly easy right? In the book she suggests green and then changes the color, however, I stuck with green since it’s my favorite color. In the back of my head I had the expectation that I would see maybe 5 green cars. I only was driving to work that night so I knew I wouldn’t be on the road long. And I knew that two of my neighbors had green cars because I saw them parked outside of my apartment complex. So I knew that I would at least see two, I’ll admit that seems like cheating, but I was a skeptic.

Thirty two green cars within a 20 minute drive.

I was shocked. I finished the book and all of the experiments with such excitement that I emailed Pam. Her website states that she is sorry for the inability to respond to all messages, I knew that it was a long shot. After I typed out my message I paused to give it up to the universe for her to respond if it was meant to happen. Within 24 hours I had a reply in my inbox from Pam herself, encouraging me to continue to write and pursue my hearts desires.

I printed that email and keep it on the inside of my journal and I see green cars every direction that I look! Pam, you have encouraged me to start this blog with your kind words. Your experiments have shown me that the world is kind and forgiving, we just have to ask.

I’ve now begun to read E Cubed, also written by Pam, which has 9 additional experiments for me to try. I can’t wait to see what type of green cars come into my life this time!